what i want to be

I am at a stage of life in which we are all figuring out what we want to be. We’re circling options for relationships, majors, jobs, careers, and destinations.

All of this decision making has made me want to crawl into fresh sheets and never leave. It’s a lot of change in a short time and it’s the types of changes that have serious life consequences. They’re heavy, consequential, important choices.

But among all of them, we sometimes lose the values and traits that make us real. I think it’s easy to get enveloped in the mess of growing up and leave who you really are behind. It got me to thinking about what I want to be as a human being, and I wondered how people would describe me and if it would compare to how I would want to be described.

This is what I landed on:

Wild, unfiltered, unapologetically loving.

Isn’t that just the most beautiful description you’ve ever read? I just love it. It took my breath away when I read it. (It’s from a Huffington Post article which you can read here.)

I want to be all of those things. Wild, maybe even bordering on a little reckless, and absolutely enamored with being alive.

My friends would say I’m pretty good at being unfiltered. I am not afraid to say what I think. Saying what I feel, though, is a different story. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve and I disguise my emotions sometimes.

Being unapologetically loving is, to me, such an act of bravery. To be able to care so freely without fear of getting hurt is something I desperately want for myself.

This year, almost half over, has brought immense struggle and change and heartbreak. But at the end of the day, I’ve learned more about myself than ever, and probably the best revelation of them all is deciding that I want to be those three things.




merry christmas

Though I am not a practicing Catholic at all anymore, my Aunt C sent this to me after my grandmother passed in August. I saved it into my notes and have been reading it once in a while for a little reminder.

After losing DJW, this has been something I’ve been reading more and more. I thought I’d preserve it here.

A Gentle Reminder from Pope Francis

This life will go by fast.

Don’t fight with people, don’t criticize your body so much, don’t complain so much.

Don’t lose sleep over your bills. Look for the person that makes you happy. If you make a mistake, let it go and keep seeking your happiness.

Never stop being a good parent. Don’t worry so much about buying luxuries and comforts for your home, and don’t kill yourself trying to leave an inheritance for your family. Those benefits should be earned by each person, so don’t dedicate yourself to accumulating money.

Enjoy, travel, enjoy your journeys, see new places, give yourself the pleasures you deserve. Allow dogs to get closer. Don’t put away the fine glassware. Utilize the new dinnerware; don’t save your favorite perfume, use it to go out with yourself; wear out your favorite sport shoes; repeat your favorite clothes.

So what? That’s not bad. Why not now? Why not pray now instead of waiting until before you sleep? Why not call now? Why not forgive now? We wait so long for Christmas; for Friday; for Reunions; for another year; for when I have money; for love to come; when everything is perfect…look…

Everything perfect doesn’t exist. Human beings can’t accomplish this because it simply was not intended to be completed here. Here is an opportunity to learn.

So take this challenge that is life and do it now…love more, forgive more, embrace more, love more intensely and leave the rest in God’s hands.  Amen.

“Why not call now? Why not forgive now? We wait so long for Christmas; for Friday; for Reunions; for another year… for when everything is perfect. Everything perfect doesn’t exist.”

Wishing you all the ability to lose perfection and embrace what we have, right here, right now, this holiday season.


instant blonde

P.S. Previous Christmas posts: 2015, 2016.

my picks from ‘songs that never fail to make white people beyond turnt’

Today, I saw a Tumblr post on Twitter called ‘songs that never fail to make white poeple beyond turnt.’ I couldn’t find a credit, or I’d link. It inspired me to cut down their list- I took out over a dozen songs- for the ones I like the most.

  • Don’t Stop Believing
  • Bohemian Rhapsody
  • Living on a Prayer
  • Come on Eileen
  • Sweet Caroline
  • Shot Through the Heart
  • Pour Some Sugar on Me
  • Sweet Home Alabama
  • Under Pressure
  • Ice Ice Baby
  • Wonderwall
  • A Thousand Miles
  • Teenage Dirtbag
  • Red Solo Cup
  • Mr. Brightside
  • Never Gonna Give You Up
  • Eye of the Tiger
  • Chicken Fried
  • American Pie
  • I Love Rock and Roll
  • Dancing Queen
  • Don’t You Want Me
  • We Will Rock You
  • Hey Jude
  • Piano Man
  • This Is How We Do It
  • Drops of Jupiter
  • Buddy Holly
  • All the Small Things
  • Stacy’s Mom
  • All Star
  • You Found Me
  • Bad Day
  • All The Small Things
  • Margaritaville
  • Sk8er Boi
  • Brown Eyed Girl
  • Iris
  • Hey There Delilah
  • Life Is A Highway
  • Breakeven
  • Viva La Vida
  • September
  • Since U Been Gone
  • Skinny Love
  • Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)
  • Bye Bye Bye
  • I’m Yours
  • My Girl
  • I’m A Believer
  • Soul Man
  • Walking on Sunshine
  • Before He Cheats
  • Build Me Up Buttercup

I took off Cotton Eyed Joe because of the horrible middle school dance memories. Ah, to be grinding for the first time again. Ironically, Hey Soul Sister was also removed for bad middle school throwbacks. A boy I used to hate- I say used to since I ran into him recently and we reconciled!- played it on the guitar and sang it at the talent show. The rest were oldies I didn’t know or songs I didn’t like, so this is the best of the best. Honestly, all are good and almost all are songs everyone knows the words to. Win win.

You’re welcome for the playlist.



the november challenge

Much like many men choose to not shave in November for prostate cancer awareness, I am also pledging to change my lifestyle this month, though mine is not nearly as admirable or generous. My cousin J and I embarked on a little health challenge that I affectionately dubbed it “the November challenge” just now.

It started because I have a huge event December 2nd that I need to look good for, and we both want to be on the right track before the inevitable weight gain that comes with Thanksgiving and Christmas cookies. We both came up with this on a Google doc after a FaceTime spent analyzing what we pig out on, what we have sensitivities to, and what goals are realistic for us. I also incorporated elements from challenges I’d seen on Facebook, read about, or pinned, too.

I’m planning on doing a multi-part series to explain this, so today I’ll outline the do’s and dont’s of eating on this plan. For food, basically, you can eat whatever you want except the listed, which are:

  1. French fries
  2. Candy
  3. Ice cream
  4. Alcohol
  5. Pizza
  6. Chicken fingers/wings
  7. Soda
  8. Bread and butter
  9. Toast
  10. Cupcakes
  11. Tacos, unless with lettuce or no shells
  12. Chips and salsa
  13. Sour cream
  14. Packaged cookies
  15. Rice

It’s a random assortment, I know, but they’re the items we find ourselves most frequently indulging in. Most are greasy, processed, and carb-filled, so the hope is that, by eliminating those, we’re eating a lot healthier: less calories, less chemicals, less sugar, and so on. It also pushes us towards more protein and vegetables and less carbs, which I desperately need.

[via PopSugar.com]
Jessica Alba probably hasn’t eaten a carb since the Bush administration. Ugh.

And again, I’ll elaborate more in separate posts, so stick around if you’re interested!!



P.S. Get out and vote. Even if you hate the candidates waiting in line in an elementary school/fire hall/nursing home.


in the light: tonight

I really shared a lot more than I intended to in my posts about my ex. They were titled, respectively, in the dark and in the dark: again, for when I found out that he was talking to one of my friends and then for when they began dating officially, each of which happened behind my back.

It’s different now. Tonight’s the first time I’ll be seeing them as a couple. I’ve obviously seen each of them on their own, but it’ll be weird to see them together.

What’s even weirder? Could my life get any worse? Yes and yes.

Tonight’s Halloween extravaganza is going to be in the exact same house where I was with him almost two years ago. I brought him as a date to one of my functions and that night, we were that couple everyone was talking about being so cute. We were sharing a barstool and splitting drinks and dancing together.

So I not only have to return to the place where we hooked up in a closet- not one of my finer moments, I’ll admit, but I also have to see him with another girl there. They will probably hook up in that exact same closet, too, and frankly, it makes me a little sick.

I feel like everything they’ll do will under be florescent lights. My eyes are wide open now, and, honestly, I feel like it might hurt more than being in the pitch black.

Happy Halloween. I’ll definitely see some frightening things (read: slutty costumes, ex boyfriend and friend) tonight… will you?

[via The Daily Caller]
And if you don’t get the above reference, get the fuck out.




in the dark: again

I’m sorry to disrupt my usual programming of clothes, shoes, makeup, and bitching. But I have to share a little update on something I poured my heart out about here last month.

When I found out that my friend L and the ex  were hanging out a lot as of September, I was pissed. Then, when I found out they’d been fucking behind my back since June, I was even more pissed and very hurt.

I found out that they were officially dating, though again from someone else because L somehow has a problem saying things to my face even though I see her Snapchats, follow her on Instagram, and am in group chats with her, and I’m livid.

Somehow that title makes me more rage-y than their illicit hookups did. Now I have to at least pretend to tolerate their relationship, happy couple act. That’s unfair. I’ve been a good friend to her and I genuinely don’t think I deserve this. If I were her, I wouldn’t be posting Snapchats of interlocked hands and road trips or texting the group chat about their fights. And I certainly wouldn’t be telling everyone at our last girls’ trip dinner about how he barely lasts more than a minute.

That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one sitting in the front seat of his Jeep on the way to get doughnuts or drive one of his stupid, drunk friends home. We talked about him meeting my parents and hanging out with my dogs, not going to L’s family parties or taking her little brother to lacrosse practice. I texted my cousin, “That was going to be me and it’s not. And it sucks.” and it perfectly sums up how I feel. Oh, and today he was wearing a visor that I got him for his birthday two years ago when we were together. I saw it on his Snapchat story and I know L remembers when I gave it to him and I’m sure she teased him about it today. Salt on the wound, you know?

I can’t decide which I fucking hate more: the fact that a year ago I was writing about him and I still am now, or the fact that my friend is dating my ex and there’s really nothing I can do about it.

[via imoviequotes.com]
Me too, Rosalyn. Sometimes I think I’ll die before I stop caring about this.





i’m off

I mentioned earlier how I’d be departing on quite a few trips this fall, and the time has come. I’m off tomorrow at six, but I’ll be back on Thursday.

Unfortunately, I probably won’t post until then. So as much as you’ll miss me, at least you’ll know I’m not gone forever.

I do have a few mundane life updates, though:

  • I finally got over FNL and started a new show on Netflix! Any guesses as to what it is?
  • My friends and I have coined Netflix “netty”. I hate us.
  • I got an awful cold and ear infection at the start of this week but somehow got over it by now. Thanking my lucky stars that it came then and not now.
  • With the aid of a ton of research, I possibly found the best face sunscreen ever. I’m testing it out this week in Florida!

Hopefully I won’t get burned or drown in the amount of Lulu my friends packed. One can only dream of being laid to rest among Wunder Unders and Free to Be racerbacks.

[via theglitterguide.com]
If I look at this picture long enough tomorrow morning, I’ll start to look just like RHW. I just know it.