an opinion piece

“I am eighteen years old. I am a female college freshman. I am naive, energetic, and absolutely obsessed with boys.

When I moved to college, I understood the stigmas everyone warned me about: binge drinking, the freshman fifteen, failing class, never calling home. But one aspect in which I felt utterly unprepared for was the hookup culture, the casual sex that permeates my campus and, now, my life. No alcohol awareness course, gym schedule, monogrammed agenda, or homesickness remedy could ready me for what sex means in college in 2017. I started having “just because” sex, meaningless and unattached hookups, in my first week of classes and now, on the airplane home for fall break, I feel such a need to reflect on my newfound sex life that I’m typing on the notes app of my iPhone, which is at a meager 20%. My laptop, my preferred utensil, is dead, and I don’t have my other preferred utensil, paper.

I am torn on how I feel about my newfound sexuality. On one hand, I feel free. My ability and choice to sleep with attractive boys and men is a slap in the face to the friend who called me “eternally alone” or the boys who joked that I was too prude in high school. It’s interesting to me that this is perhaps what makes me the most satisfied of all of my encounters, yet the people back home who teased me about my lack of sexual experience have no idea where I sleep or who with. Casual sex makes me feel more desirable. A boy finds me hot and normal enough to have sex with for release and fun. I like being that quick fix. Beyond that, though, sex is another layer of independence. Just like I can drink, smoke, or wear anything I’d like to now, I can hook up with anyone I want, at virtually any time I want, as long as he’s interested and consented. Such an instantaneous connection, which, unsurprisingly, fits my generation’s need for urgency and availability, to the most intimate connection, fills me with a sense of power that I never had before move-in. And power is a factor too. The longstanding argument that sex is power and power is sex comes to mind. There is a thrill in having so much control over a boy just because we’re having sex or have had it already. I have learned how to master men, even if just for a minute or two of pure bliss, when, four months ago, their flippant comments and idiotic actions mastered me.

Of course, boys still can rule my emotions and my actions. I just know how to take my mind off those feelings for a quick hookup or night away from my own bed. Now that I know how much they’ll sacrifice for sex, though, I feel even more convinced that boys of my generation are never going to be the men I want them to grow up to be. I don’t need to be even more disheartened about finding a soulmate in s country where the divorce rate hovers around 50%. I swell with the pride and satisfaction of having such power over a man while or after we have sex, but I also often feel powerless. All a boy might want me for is sex, and I can give that to him, but I can’t give him a desire to date me or spend time with me outside the bedroom. There’s also the backwards concept of having sex partially just to spite the people, male and female, who once mocked me for not doing it. I should be having sex for me, not for anyone else, and I am, but I’m thinking about those naysayers a little bit every time I collect my things from the latest dorm tile or fraternity house carpet. And I do feel sexy and wanted because guys want to have sex with me, but, at the same time, being the girl they depend on for a no strings attached lay and not the one they bring home on breaks with them tanks my self-esteem. It can be frustrating to only see someone I find hot or otherwise attractive in some way when they’re drunk, lonely, or simply bored.

Yet I have a roster of guys I find myself texting to hang out with when I’m drunk, lonely, or simply bored. I am used, and I use them.

This is sex in college today, and it is full of contradictions; fulfillment and emptiness, power and helplessness, brightness and bleakness, independence and entrapment. It is a sizable part of my life on campus, and it is what keeps me up at night… in more ways than one.”

xx

instantblonde

Advertisements

my picks from ‘songs that never fail to make white people beyond turnt’

Today, I saw a Tumblr post on Twitter called ‘songs that never fail to make white poeple beyond turnt.’ I couldn’t find a credit, or I’d link. It inspired me to cut down their list- I took out over a dozen songs- for the ones I like the most.

  • Don’t Stop Believing
  • Bohemian Rhapsody
  • Living on a Prayer
  • Come on Eileen
  • Sweet Caroline
  • Shot Through the Heart
  • Pour Some Sugar on Me
  • Sweet Home Alabama
  • Under Pressure
  • Ice Ice Baby
  • Wonderwall
  • A Thousand Miles
  • Teenage Dirtbag
  • Red Solo Cup
  • Mr. Brightside
  • Never Gonna Give You Up
  • Eye of the Tiger
  • Chicken Fried
  • American Pie
  • I Love Rock and Roll
  • Dancing Queen
  • Don’t You Want Me
  • We Will Rock You
  • Hey Jude
  • Piano Man
  • This Is How We Do It
  • Drops of Jupiter
  • Buddy Holly
  • All the Small Things
  • Stacy’s Mom
  • All Star
  • You Found Me
  • Bad Day
  • All The Small Things
  • Margaritaville
  • Sk8er Boi
  • Brown Eyed Girl
  • Iris
  • Hey There Delilah
  • Life Is A Highway
  • Breakeven
  • Viva La Vida
  • September
  • Since U Been Gone
  • Skinny Love
  • Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)
  • Bye Bye Bye
  • I’m Yours
  • My Girl
  • I’m A Believer
  • Soul Man
  • Walking on Sunshine
  • Before He Cheats
  • Build Me Up Buttercup
  • DONTTRUSTME

I took off Cotton Eyed Joe because of the horrible middle school dance memories. Ah, to be grinding for the first time again. Ironically, Hey Soul Sister was also removed for bad middle school throwbacks. A boy I used to hate- I say used to since I ran into him recently and we reconciled!- played it on the guitar and sang it at the talent show. The rest were oldies I didn’t know or songs I didn’t like, so this is the best of the best. Honestly, all are good and almost all are songs everyone knows the words to. Win win.

You’re welcome for the playlist.

xx

instantblonde

the november challenge

Much like many men choose to not shave in November for prostate cancer awareness, I am also pledging to change my lifestyle this month, though mine is not nearly as admirable or generous. My cousin J and I embarked on a little health challenge that I affectionately dubbed it “the November challenge” just now.

It started because I have a huge event December 2nd that I need to look good for, and we both want to be on the right track before the inevitable weight gain that comes with Thanksgiving and Christmas cookies. We both came up with this on a Google doc after a FaceTime spent analyzing what we pig out on, what we have sensitivities to, and what goals are realistic for us. I also incorporated elements from challenges I’d seen on Facebook, read about, or pinned, too.

I’m planning on doing a multi-part series to explain this, so today I’ll outline the do’s and dont’s of eating on this plan. For food, basically, you can eat whatever you want except the listed, which are:

  1. French fries
  2. Candy
  3. Ice cream
  4. Alcohol
  5. Pizza
  6. Chicken fingers/wings
  7. Soda
  8. Bread and butter
  9. Toast
  10. Cupcakes
  11. Tacos, unless with lettuce or no shells
  12. Chips and salsa
  13. Sour cream
  14. Packaged cookies
  15. Rice

It’s a random assortment, I know, but they’re the items we find ourselves most frequently indulging in. Most are greasy, processed, and carb-filled, so the hope is that, by eliminating those, we’re eating a lot healthier: less calories, less chemicals, less sugar, and so on. It also pushes us towards more protein and vegetables and less carbs, which I desperately need.

thenovemberchallengeim
[via PopSugar.com]
Jessica Alba probably hasn’t eaten a carb since the Bush administration. Ugh.

And again, I’ll elaborate more in separate posts, so stick around if you’re interested!!

xx

instantblonde

P.S. Get out and vote. Even if you hate the candidates waiting in line in an elementary school/fire hall/nursing home.

 

in the light: tonight

I really shared a lot more than I intended to in my posts about my ex. They were titled, respectively, in the dark and in the dark: again, for when I found out that he was talking to one of my friends and then for when they began dating officially, each of which happened behind my back.

It’s different now. Tonight’s the first time I’ll be seeing them as a couple. I’ve obviously seen each of them on their own, but it’ll be weird to see them together.

What’s even weirder? Could my life get any worse? Yes and yes.

Tonight’s Halloween extravaganza is going to be in the exact same house where I was with him almost two years ago. I brought him as a date to one of my functions and that night, we were that couple everyone was talking about being so cute. We were sharing a barstool and splitting drinks and dancing together.

So I not only have to return to the place where we hooked up in a closet- not one of my finer moments, I’ll admit, but I also have to see him with another girl there. They will probably hook up in that exact same closet, too, and frankly, it makes me a little sick.

I feel like everything they’ll do will under be florescent lights. My eyes are wide open now, and, honestly, I feel like it might hurt more than being in the pitch black.

Happy Halloween. I’ll definitely see some frightening things (read: slutty costumes, ex boyfriend and friend) tonight… will you?

inthelightim
[via The Daily Caller]
And if you don’t get the above reference, get the fuck out.

xx

instantblonde

 

in the dark: again

I’m sorry to disrupt my usual programming of clothes, shoes, makeup, and bitching. But I have to share a little update on something I poured my heart out about here last month.

When I found out that my friend L and the ex  were hanging out a lot as of September, I was pissed. Then, when I found out they’d been fucking behind my back since June, I was even more pissed and very hurt.

I found out that they were officially dating, though again from someone else because L somehow has a problem saying things to my face even though I see her Snapchats, follow her on Instagram, and am in group chats with her, and I’m livid.

Somehow that title makes me more rage-y than their illicit hookups did. Now I have to at least pretend to tolerate their relationship, happy couple act. That’s unfair. I’ve been a good friend to her and I genuinely don’t think I deserve this. If I were her, I wouldn’t be posting Snapchats of interlocked hands and road trips or texting the group chat about their fights. And I certainly wouldn’t be telling everyone at our last girls’ trip dinner about how he barely lasts more than a minute.

That was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one sitting in the front seat of his Jeep on the way to get doughnuts or drive one of his stupid, drunk friends home. We talked about him meeting my parents and hanging out with my dogs, not going to L’s family parties or taking her little brother to lacrosse practice. I texted my cousin, “That was going to be me and it’s not. And it sucks.” and it perfectly sums up how I feel. Oh, and today he was wearing a visor that I got him for his birthday two years ago when we were together. I saw it on his Snapchat story and I know L remembers when I gave it to him and I’m sure she teased him about it today. Salt on the wound, you know?

I can’t decide which I fucking hate more: the fact that a year ago I was writing about him and I still am now, or the fact that my friend is dating my ex and there’s really nothing I can do about it.

inthedarkagaingif
[via imoviequotes.com]
Me too, Rosalyn. Sometimes I think I’ll die before I stop caring about this.

xx

instantblonde

 

 

i’m off

I mentioned earlier how I’d be departing on quite a few trips this fall, and the time has come. I’m off tomorrow at six, but I’ll be back on Thursday.

Unfortunately, I probably won’t post until then. So as much as you’ll miss me, at least you’ll know I’m not gone forever.

I do have a few mundane life updates, though:

  • I finally got over FNL and started a new show on Netflix! Any guesses as to what it is?
  • My friends and I have coined Netflix “netty”. I hate us.
  • I got an awful cold and ear infection at the start of this week but somehow got over it by now. Thanking my lucky stars that it came then and not now.
  • With the aid of a ton of research, I possibly found the best face sunscreen ever. I’m testing it out this week in Florida!

Hopefully I won’t get burned or drown in the amount of Lulu my friends packed. One can only dream of being laid to rest among Wunder Unders and Free to Be racerbacks.

imoffim
[via theglitterguide.com]
If I look at this picture long enough tomorrow morning, I’ll start to look just like RHW. I just know it.

xx

instantblonde

 

never forget

Today, we remember. We remember the 2,976 Americans who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. We remember the countless first responders, firemen, police offers, and citizens who gave tremendously to help in any way.

neverforgetim
[via rebeccalammersen.com]
It seems surreal that this devastating national tragedy was fifteen years ago. It came to shape so many of the coming years. It defined what it means to be proud to be an American in the twenty-first century. If you haven’t seen this video, which was taken from NYU dorms eight blocks away, I recommend watching it. Although very disturbing, it is more raw than any news coverage you could ever see.

We will never forget.

xx

instantblonde