Once upon a time, a stunning, fun young maiden known as instant blonde prepared for her St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. She bought her liquor, detangled her beads, and donned all the green she owned, including a pair of lovely, festive leprechaun socks from her Irish grandmother.
Originally, she’d been excited for the day’s plans: a group pregame at her good friend’s house, catching up with friends from all over town, and then a short cab ride to the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, a local festivity. But then, she discovered that a particularly heinous group of potential suitors were invited to the pregame too.
Per instructions, she arrived earlier than the boys were expected to, and immediately poured herself a large drink, traded beads, and began to swap various green accessories with her friends. One particularly irritating boyfriend was in attendance at that point, but things didn’t get weird until the entire crew showed up. One by one, they sauntered through the door in their pocket tees, Patagonias, and vests, carrying the respective Captain bottles or Bud Light cases.
It was at that moment that she saw him: the ex. Yes, that ex. The one that made for excellent though depressing blog fodder and endless subtweets. Seeing his long wavy hair and his favorite green baseball cap made all the memories rush back and the vodka soda from earlier pulse through her veins. Quickly, though, she decided that it would be best to say hi to all of his friends, get as obliterated as humanly possible, and ignore his presence.
Though the tension between her and her infamous ex was palpable and numerous remarks were made by his jerk bag friends, she narrowly avoided him for the pregame. That is, until the cabs arrived. Of course, it took a while for her to board a cab, as three or four came to the house while she was going to the bathroom with her friends in packs (#typical) and deciding to straighten that pesky piece of hair again. This left one for her, which she happily jumped into, seeing the issue at hand upon shutting the door: the ex. He was in the cab, in the seat directly next to the one left for her. Good.
But wait, she thought. Even in her drunken state, she realized that all three of the remaining cab passengers had also had trysts with the ex. So, not only was she stuck there with the person she least wanted to see, but three other girls he’d gotten with, both during and immediately after their relationship, were also along for the thirty minute ride.
The finale of the story could be recanted, if the lovely maiden in green only remembered the rest of the day.
And that, my friends, is how my St. Patrick’s Day went. Stuck in a cab with my ex and three of the causes of our fights and bitterness and a whole lot of liquor and resentment and the color green.