I’m back. Resurrected, risen, returned.
Did the whole move six states away thing, and damn, it was hard.
If you know me, though, you know I don’t give up. Ever. So I’m determined that this was meant to be and adjusting is just hard, but I really do think I am supposed to be here. I get better every day and I feel more and more like myself too.
I’d be writing all weekend if I were to use real form and posts, so, just for my own memory, I’m listing all the major life updates I’ve had since my last post.
- I had sex with a TC, I, on September 16 at like 1am. Drunk, but not blacked out.
- I then proceeded to also fuck a PDT, N, on the night of the 21. Well, it was probably early on the 22nd if I’m being honest.
- My beautiful and sweet 88 year old grandmother, affectionately known as Mimi, passed away in the first week of August. I had to move on the 9th, and between that and other family travel complications, I moved per usual. Then, on the weekend of the 26th, I went back home for the services. It was lovely and filled with family, as she would’ve wanted, but I still miss her dearly.
- On the 19th I had a sort of episode and flipped out on my brother’s girlfriend, who fucked me over severely, which resulted in me finding a therapist ASAP down here.
- I found one, Dr. B, and he is possibly the sweetest person I know. I love him and his advice and couldn’t believe I had been missing out on therapy for so long.
- Because I haven’t been in the best state since moving, I sense that my parents are worried about me and are afraid to make another major life change by divorcing. They continue to lead the same separate lives, like ships passing in the night.
- I have a deadline of apologizing to my brother’s girlfriend by this Friday, and I haven’t done so yet. Or spoken to her since the 18th of August.
- A guy who fucked me over at home, MM, texted me today asking if he could see me. HA. No, but it feels good to know that I’m *finally* desirable, ya know? And he’s rushing SC, SN, and KS. We’ll see.
- I miss home so much. More than I thought I would.
- I’m trying really hard to do well in school but also sleep and have a social life. So that’s basically just what I’m doing now.
Alright, I have to go. Saturdays in the South… if you know, you know. I’ve missed you, though, and I’ll be back soon.
If there are any two things I love, this NYTimes pieceNYTimes piece by Helen Ellis covers both: neatness and analyzing love.
I loved the analysis, the point, and the anecdotes. How many times do we deteriorate our relationships with people because we aren’t willing to change, even just a little?
I’m a believer that people don’t change, but I think that applies in more of a big picture sense. In the day-to-day, why not try making the tiny change someone you care about asked you to? I just love learning and reading about relationships, and I had to share what I thought was an interesting little tidbit about Ellis’s own.
And yeah, I’m back. Six months later and I’m still a little fractured, but the words are flowing freely even after all this time. Really, though, it barely feels like a blink.
I don’t know if I’m back for good or not. Time will tell. We’re about to dive headfirst into a huge life change, a moving-six-states-away kind of shift.
“A good story is like a miniskirt- long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep some interest.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“That girl looks like she could suck a golf ball out of a hose pipe.”
“Come hell or high water…”
“Nothing is open past midnight besides legs and bars.”
I kind of had the worst weekend, so I wanted to share some of these funny little sayings. Some of them are mine, some of them are my family’s, and some of them are my friends’.
Can you tell I learned the third one from my older brother’s old fraternity brothers? I can.
NOTE: I wrote this from about 11:30p p.m. on Wednesday, January 25th until I published it, but at that point it was 12:00 a.m. Of course. So this published the 26th, but all of these events happened on the 25th and that’s when I intended to hit publish.
Today was probably one of the saddest days of my life next to the day my mother ruined my childhood.
We put one of our dogs, F, down tonight. We found out literally yesterday that he had malignant cancer of the blood with several tumors on the spleen, liver, and most likely lungs when he collapsed randomly at the park. Thirty-six hours later and we were saying goodbye.
The collapse happened on Tuesday, and we put him down today, a Wednesday. It was so sudden.
I am heartbroken. My parents, even my father, who hates animals, are heartbroken. We loved him so much- he was the first dog my brother and I ever had. It’s not fair that he was just ten. It feels like a blink of an eye, but he actually, as my brother put it, “had a front row seat to watching us grow up.” He saw us go from middle school to high school to college. He saw both of our grandfathers pass. He watched my parents start a business, sell it, switch careers, and define their own relationship. He saw our first dates and our first cars and was there when we first came home smashed as sixteen year-olds. He greeted all of us every.single.time. we walked in the door and begged for food even at his heaviest. He was my mother’s favorite child and the best big brother and best friend to our other dog, V. She’s going to miss him so much too.
Only the good die young. And apparently that’s true for dogs too. Please send some good vibes my family’s way.
We love you, F. Thanks for being the best first dog ever.
Sorry for the radio silence. I’ve been working, getting back to class, and slipping into the routine. Oh, and I had a ~financial intervention~ for myself too.
I have been a shopper for as long as I can remember. I even wrote about shopping and its hold on me in 2015. Even then, when I had fewer bills and less expenses, I was struggling with spending because I wanted the emotional crutch of shopping, not necessarily the things I was buying.
To be honest, it’s two years later and I’m still learning that lesson. I think I’ve been a lot better about emotional shopping, but I still need to prioritize what I spend money on so I’m not depleting my bank account every time a bill is due.
My biggest lesson, though, is how fucking hard it is to pay back loans and extinguish financial mistakes. No amount seems that big until it’s what you actually owe. It sucks to be sat down and told, “you owe $__ by __/__/__.” I tried to pretend it wasn’t real for a few days, but now I’m just chipping away at it. Even though the increments by which I’m paying it off are ridiculously small, they’ll add up. Slow and steady wins the race.
However, I am making big strides too. With my new job this fall, I was able to supplement my income and reach a savings goal of mine. I also switched banks and got my first debit card and checking account. Those milestones, if you can call them that, are exciting and a relief all at once.
I just called reaching a savings goal exciting. Who am I?
Growing up sucks, everyone. Don’t do it.
This marks edition four of my little series, ‘reads’, in which I recap the best and brightest from all sorts of sites and publications. Catch edition one, two, and three while you’re at it.
Domaine’s 24 Things to Do on a Plane went straight to my bookmarks.
Here’s the apartment Jackie Kennedy briefly grew up in. It’s on Park Avenue in one of the best spots in the city. Although it’s restored, it’s not exactly as it was when the Bouviers lived there. The art of the current owner is amazing, though. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in Jackie, which still was an excellent movie.
I love The Wolf of Wall Street. I’ve seen it at least four times and until the ending where he (rightfully) falls from glory, am enthralled every time. If you like it too, maybe you’ll find this article about fact vs. fiction in the movie as cool as I did.
Elle’s sixty best home decorating ideas of all time. Iconic.
Thought Catalog is hit or miss for me. Sometimes I feel like they hire writers from the dredges of the Earth, and the grammar and spelling can be atrocious. But, occasionally, I find a gem, like I did like this piece, “If You Were Looking for God.” I’m not religious, but I found it interesting and beautifully written.
If you haven’t read the Bush sisters’ letter to the Obama daughters, I encourage you to. It is fun and older sisterly advice without being cliche. Two of, in my opinion, the most elegant families to ever grace the White House is a nice thing to see today when politics seems so ugly.
2017 goal: be light.
I wrote this entire post, start to finish, and then remembered I wrote an MLK post last year too. Sure enough, I went and looked, and I used the exact same quote last year. How powerful it is that I am thinking about it year after year.
I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I’ve been thinking about those words all day. I really need to apply them more to my life. I was telling my mother the other day how I stopped disliking and being bothered by someone in my life because I just didn’t have the energy to care anymore. Antagonizing them was making me a worse person and not giving me any sort of satisfaction or benefit.
This year, I’m going to let more things go. But not just shallow things like that. I want to just say goodbye to negativity. It’s too great a burden to bear.